Your tits are I can't wait for
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
