I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
