he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
