foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
