I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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