The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
