In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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