Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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