Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
