I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
