So drunk its hurt
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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