I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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