i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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