My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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