I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
