If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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