So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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