im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
