i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
