my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
