I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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