I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
