Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
