My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just pee around me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
