I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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