When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
