matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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