Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
