You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
