i'm lost and i look like a hooker
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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