I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
