'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
