hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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