We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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