You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
