I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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