It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
