Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
