The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
