remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
