I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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