i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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