I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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