So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
