i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My ass is underappreciated
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
