Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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