I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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