totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
