I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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