First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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