please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
