i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
