Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize