hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
