I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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