cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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