I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
