I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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