after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
